Heart of Gold

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fXaC07X5M8

Oh Neil Young. You are a talented and beautiful fellow Canadian, and you melt my spirit. I couldn't get Heart of Gold out of my head today. I sprung out of bed and just had to listen to it. "Keep me searching for a heart of gold," I feel this constant search within myself. The thing is I don't let it stress me out too much. Usually I do what I want to do. I base this decision on what feels good and if I don't like something I say it. I'm not afraid of being direct. Here's my take on things.  I believe that in MOST (not all, but most)  circumstances we KNOW what is the right decision - we just choose to ignore that little voice inside of us. We push  the voice deep down within ourselves so we don't have to see our faults, scars or failures. This is how we try and protect ourselves from getting hurt. How many people reading this have been hurt in relationships? It's human nature to try and shield our hearts from pain and suffering. We don't want to feel bad. So what we usually do is hide the bad stuff about us which causes us not to be honest with others but most importantly not ourselves.

I have tried so hard to protect myself from getting hurt. The most relevant example is in the singing world. I have gone to a bazillion auditions, competitions and walked away with nothing. I have sung for people before and they have told me thanks, but not thanks. I have had to deal with rejection from a very early age, and it never gets easier. No matter how many cokes, bottles of wine and glasses of Prosecco you drink, it still hurts the next day. I've learned that the best way to deal with this type of wound is just to accept before hand what the worst case scenario is going to be. So for example, I go to an audition. Worst case scenario: I don't get it. Or, another worst case scenario, I crack in front of the panel. Once I get my head around the most possible worst cases, I feel better. It's weird, but it really works for me.

Anyway, I wanted to say earlier that  I think a true heart of gold is one that is completely natural, and doesn't hide anything. This is sort of my mantra. Everything is out in the open, and you allow yourself to make mistakes. You don't take yourself so seriously and can laugh at your shortcomings. A true heart of gold is an open and loving heart. Yes, it's important to protect ourselves especially if we can sense something is not good for us.  However, it is also imperative to allow ourselves to be honest to what our mind, body and soul are trying to tell us and we can only do that when our eyes, ears and heart is open and ready. I also believe in forgiveness. After all, no one is perfect we are all human and make mistakes. It's how we deal and learn from them that really matters. Forgiving those around us is something I'm really getting better at. I don't take things so personally, but I do hold true to not tolerating people who lie. That's kind of a deal breaker for me. I know people lie to protect others, but usually people lie because they want to protect themselves or they know they've done something shitty. It's just a no brainer people: do what you feel is right and don't fuck others over. WOW. I sound like a mother fucking guru.  I'm not, just in case you were wondering. Gurus don't swear......... yes, I know I'm brown and all and you probably expect me to be really good at yoga, be a vegan and be good at math... Sorry to let you all down but I am only good at one of those things and it's yoga, and I'm not even that good I just like doing it. I'm so inflexible at times and it's so completely embarrassing because everyone in yoga classes expects the ethnic girl to be a superstar. I always feel like I'm letting them all down when I become unbalanced in tree, or my sun salutations are just a little shaky. Just in case you didn't realize, I'm totally joking and am by no means a racist...... actually I love laughing about stereotypes.  I have no problem when people call me a brownie, or talk about me looking like their doctor or dentist. It humours me and I actually find stereotypes amusing. Ok, ramble ramble ramble. I hear my Dad saying "Quit while you're a head, daughter." Ok, Daddy-oh this one is for you.

Oh oh oh. I have something else to write about. A couple weeks ago I made a promise to myself that I would do something new everyday. I've been pretty good at this. I came up with the idea whilst walking home from Kaufland with Katya. I was carrying a carton of eggs and I turned to her and said "I've always wanted to throw an egg on the ground, but have never done it before." So, needless to say two seconds later a poor egg lost its life on Ankerstrasse and I was the murderer. So stupid, I know, but I loved hearing the shell break on the pavement, and I wanted to take a picture because in todays day in age that is totally modern art, right? Anyway, today I decided that I was going to ride to work and smile and EVERYONE I see. Yep... everyone. I'm what you would call an automatic smiler... I can't really turn it off.... I think it annoys people...... especially grumpy people. Anyway, I smiled the whole way to work and counted how many people smiled back. So, wait for it..... I smiled at a total of 32 people and........ 25 smiled back. I would like to graph this data daily, and see if I can find any patterns in regards to who the grumpiest people tend to be. Today it was mostly the oldies who were the grumps. I was ok with it. Sometimes I did feel a little retarded, but it was so good to see how many people wanted to smile back. One dude even added a wave to his smile. Totally cool. Come one people, the best things in life are free, right? Maybe next time I'll try to shake everyone's hand that I see.... maybe too personal? Hmmm..... I don't know. I'm liking the idea....... suggestions are welcome.

That's it for now.
Cheerio.